Last Sat when Leonard drove me home after supper at FeiFei, we exchanged random chats about his NS life, and suddenly he asked me a question.
"how come so long you still got no boyfriend huh?"
It got me pretty lost of words for a while because one, i dont expect him to ask me that and two, i really dont know what to say.
My mom and my close friends often ask me that question and i always get stumped. This time, it really got me thinking. I cant believe im now getting affected over a question!
I told Leonard that there are no guys going after me. Im probably too fat, or maybe too "man" (fyi, im so like a guy) for them. He said "cannot be, seriously you this kind sure alot of guys one, i see so many buang girls on the streets also got boyriend. You this type why will dont have."
I very seriously told him that there are no guys around me who i personally know who's interested in me. If they're interested but i dont know then that's worst because this kinda guy very useless.
The ratio of my guy friends to girls in my circle of friends is probably 8:1. I have different group of close guy friends but i've never got attracted to them, neither will they be interested in me.
So what exactly's the problem? 3 and a half years. Ive been living my life alone like that for 3 and a half years. Its not like i dont enjoy my singlehood. I like it when i dont have to tell someone else my whereabouts, where im going, who im going out with, what im doing. Or thinking about what he's doing, why didnt he call, is he out with another girl and things like that. I dont have to put in extra effort for somebody because i only have myself to care for.
I will only be somebody's girlfriend if i know the guy for a good few years and throughout the good few years, we've been pretty close friend. I must feel very comfortable with him, to the extent that i can meet him even without having make-up on, even when im in my pyjamas with pimple cream all over my face. I can say anything to him and do anything without thinking of preserving a good image or worry that his opinion about me will change. I must be myself in front of him and whatever unglam stuffs (probably sit with my legs on the table, pluck my armpit hair or something hahahha) im doing wouldnt affect his impression of me because we're too close and comfortable with each other already. I wanna know his family and they know mine too even when we're just friends because that makes me even more comfortable being together.
But the closer i am with my guy friends, the more i wont have that kinda feelings for them.
Can you ever imagine myself falling in love with anyone from the BBCs (except for Leonard since we once dated) nor the supper gang (can anyone ever imagine myself with Siwei or Eric or Leonard Khoo or WenQin or Alvin or Tze Shing?!?!?!) And i'll also not see myself being in love with the icytongers (like hello????)I dont think i'll be with any of the guys from BSC either!
But i do love to be out with them because they're ever so frank and fun. And to them, im just like another guy-friend.
And then i thought a little further. Was it because of the last break up that got me so badly hurt that i no longer believe in relationships? I think it did affect me quite a lot. I mean, i did go on dates with a couple of guys before and they were of pretty good boyfriend material. But whenever the thought of getting into a relationship, i'll start to withdraw. And thats exactly how my biggest regret came along, but thats another story altogether.
Just a few weeks ago, i dropped my last boyfriend a sms just to wish him a happy 26 birthday. He replied asking me who i am. That, im not really surprised. He probably lost his mobile or something, or delibrately delete me off from his list years ago. Then we exchanged a couple more random smses before we stopped at the last. He apologised, apologised for treating me the way he did and hurting me so badly. And i laughed it off, saying that its been so long and he's too silly to even mention it.
I cant believe i actually laughed it off, cos now im feeling the soar. Sorry? You're only telling me that youre sorry for the way you've treated me after 3 and a half years? And that's the only thing you can say? That you're sorry?
Throughout these period of time, have u ever changed? Have you really been sorry? If you had, you wouldnt have hurt more girls around you. What does a sorry mean to you? How much does that word actually weigh? Its probably just a word to you, but that overdued sorry made my life a huge turmoil. I didnt wait 3 and a half years just to hear you say sorry. I didnt exactly wait 3 and a half years for you, but the last break up made me a very very different person.
Yes, you people might think that im still young, and there's lots more chances and better guys out there. But tell me, how many more 3 years do i have to wait? How many more 3 years do i have to nurse this and finally dare to believe in relationships again? How many more 3 years will there be?
Times flies like a passing train. Time wait for no man. 3 years ago when im 17, my friends consoled me, telling me im still young and there will be more guys out there in the Poly. 3 years flew by and Amber is still the same old Amber.
3 years later, i'll be 23 and to think when im much younger i told myself that thats my ideal age of marriage and then we'll have kids at 25 and start a young happy family.
You think it'll come true? I think not because i'll probably still be the same Amber then.
3 years after 3 years, and more 3 years after 3 years. My birthday cake will soon have 3 big candles and probably a few small ones. And i can almost imagine that by then, i'll still be the same old Amber. The people who will celebrate my birthday, would not be my own very family with my hubby and kids, but my close friends' family with their hubby and kids.
That is such a sad scenerio but i can almost picture it.
Can you feel me? Can you feel my insecurities? Can you feel my fear? You cant. Because you people dont know how bad things were that ive gotten through.
You know, i am so envious of Shalyn, Meiting and Bird. I may not say it, but im really really jealous of you girls. Ups and downs of your relationships, going rounds and rounds in search for the one, you girls did it. I may not for sure know if they're really "the one", no one knows for sure what future holds. But at this instance, at least you girls have something to call your own, something to love and hold. Someone who loves you so deeply. You dont know how much i wish to be in the same category as you girls, which poeple lable as the most loving couple, or the happiest couple or whatever you name it. You dont know how much i wish to go on double dates, triple dates with you girls. I am full of envy, but i am also very happy for you girls. And i really mean it. you lucky things.
You dont know how terrible i feel right now. You dont know the phobia that i have. You dont know how hard it is to forget.
You dont know, and you'll never know. Because you're not me and you'll never be me.
About a year ago, i had special feelings for a very very close friend of mine. I told him how i felt but i never expected him to shun away and ignore me from then on. 11 months now, and we've not contacted each other. At that point of time, i know i liked him. But i never thought of having a relationship because that scares me.
And this is very bad because when you love somebody, you'll definately wanna be in a relationship with him. That's what loving somebody is all about isnt it?
I think im sick. SO sick. I can fall in love with somebody, but i cant put myself into a relationship. I feel disgusted myself now because this is crap. Thanks God he didnt had feelings for me, if not i'll be an even loserish loser.
Ive typed too much, i think i should stop. Im getting too incoherent. Its too messy up my mind. I dont know what im doing, i dont know what im saying anymore.
Dont sympathize me, i dont need it. All i need, is to get out of this phobia and start living normally.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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